01 January, 2005 - "JANUS"

"There is only one movement in life, the outer and the inner; this movement is indivisible, though it is divided. Being divided, most follow the outer movement of knowledge, ideas, beliefs, authority, security, prosperity and so on. In reaction to this, one follows the so-called inner life, with its visions, aspirations, secrecies, conflicts, despairs. As this movement is a reaction, it is in conflict with the outer. So there is contradiction, with its aches, anxieties and escapes. There is only one movement, which is the outer and the inner. With the understanding of the outer, then the inner movement begins, not in opposition or in contradiction. As conflict is eliminated, the brain, though highly sensitive and alert, becomes quiet. Then only the inner movement has validity and significance. Out of this movement there is a generosity and compassion which is not the outcome of reason and purposeful self-denial.�
--Krishnamurti

�The outward freedom that we shall attain will only be in exact proportion to the inward freedom to which we may have grown at a given moment. And if this is a correct view of freedom, our chief energy must be concentrated on achieving reform from within.�
--Mohandas K. Gandhi

�When an inner situation is not made conscious, it appears outside as fate.�
--Carl Gustav Jung

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
Lost my mind

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
No

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
NO

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes several

5. What countries did you visit?
None though I would have gone to Sicily Malta and England but things did not turn out�

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
Money and improve upon my personal battle with PTSD

7. What dates from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
So many

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Surviving it

9. What was your biggest failure?
I lost everything but my life

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yes which prevented me from working or carrying on with daily activities at some points

11. What was the best thing you bought?
One shirt in February

12. Whose life merited celebration?
Ralph Cole, Lance Warren , and more than anyone Eric Page ; others include writer/journalist/activist Iris Chang, actor/monologuist Spalding Gray and writer/historian/librarian(of Congress) Daniel Boorstin.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and disgusted?
I know of �a few individuals whom truly good, everyone else was outright cruel.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills and survival

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
A gunshot to my head? Hanging myself?

16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
I am not sure yet...

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Neither just broken somewhat inside
b) thinner or fatter? same.
c) richer or poorer? Busted broke now�

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
No regrets

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
No regrets

20. How will you be spending New Year's Eve?
alone

21. Did you fall in love in 2004?
That�s sick...
22. How many one-night stands?
None, as that is not my kind of thing

23. What was your favorite TV program?
South Park, Chappelle Show, Charlie Rose, Now with Bill Moyers, Smallville, Daily Show, C-SPAN,

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I don�t hate anyone

25. What was the best book you read?
Alexander Hamilton by Ron Chernow

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
More of a rediscovery�Trey Parker�s music.

27. What did you want and get?...
What does anyone want?..
28. What did you want and not get?
...

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Easily 'A Very Long Engagement', though the Passion of Christ, Sky Captain, the Control Room, and Team America: World Police were all wonderful films. I have not seen Hotel Rwanda, but do plan on seeing it.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was severely ill, I do remember lying in bed thinking about whom are the people in the city I live in that I feel epitomizes the best of what we as people can aspire too. One of those was shot in the head the next day, another was shot to death in the following weeks.

31.What one thing would have made your year measurably more satisfying?
I came to terms with myself on certain things and am true to myself.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
I could careless

33. What kept you sane?
I wasn�t

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
No one

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Libertarian Michael Badnarik and his inspiring run for Presidency of the United States and the subsequent media blackout.

36. Who did you miss?
Georgina

37. Who was the best new person you met?
My lawyer and a few others online.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004.
Life is a motherfucker without any mercy whatsoever in any way at all, so either get busy living or fucking die.

39. Who is someone you had the chance to meet in 2004?
Bill Clinton, a suave fellah

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

May or may not make sense but this song says it all:
He had 3 whole dollars
A worn out car
And a wife who was
Leaving for good
LIfe's made of trouble
Worry pain and struggle
She wrote good bye in
The dust on the hood
They found a a map of Missouri
Lipstick on the glass
They must of left
In the middle of the nite

And I want to know
The same thing
Everyone wants to know
How it going to end?

Behind a smoke colored
Curtain, the girl
Disappeared, the found out
The ring was a fake
A tree born crooked
Will never grow straight
She sunk like a hammer in to the lake
A long lost letter and
And old leaky boat
Promises are never meant
To keep

And I want to know
The same thing
Everyone wants to know
How it going to end?

The barn leaned over
The vultures dried their wings
The moon climbed up an empty sky
The sun sank down behind the tree
On the hill
There's a killer and he's coming
Thru the rye
But maybe he's the Father
Of that lost little girl
It's hard to tell in this light

And I want to know
The same thing
Everyone wants to know
How it going to end?
Drag your wagon and your plow
Over the bones of the dead
Out among the roses and the weeds
You can never go back
And the answer is no
And wishing for it only
Makes it bleed

Joel Tornabene was broken
On the wheel
Shane and Bum Mahoney on the lamb
The grain was as gold
As Sheila's hair
All the way from Liverpool
With all we could steal
He was robbed of twenty dollars
His body found stripped
Cast into the harbour
There and drowned

And I want to know
The same thing
Everyone wants to know
How it going to end?

The sirens are snaking their
Way up the hill
It's last call somewhere in
The world
The reptiles blend in with the
Color of the street
Life is sweet at the edge
Of a razor
And down in the front row of
An old picture show
The old man is asleep
As the credits start to roll

And I want to know
The same thing
Everyone wants to know
How it going to end?
�Tom Waits

�We must learn to reawaken and keep ourselves awake, not by mechanical aid, but by an infinite expectation of the dawn.�
--Henry David Thoreau

�I questioned him about the meaning of awareness, and he said: "If you look into your minds, you will see it's like thousands of butterflies whirling about! You can hardly trace a single idea in this complexity. A way to bring clarity to the mind is to write down your immediate thoughts and feelings in response to the events of the day, and then ponder them. If you emphasize one particular problem in this writing, it will gradually lead to all others." Krishnamurti felt that a large part of our confusion is from repetitive thoughts, and they are repetitive because not completed. By thinking these through to the end they would no longer clamor in us, and the mind would be freer and more spacious, more "aware." Krishnamurti worked enormously hard for many years to clarify his own mind, and this work was part of the background that enables him to be a teacher.�
--William Quinn remembering Jiddu Krishnamurti

�We . . . write to heighten our own awareness of life...We write to taste life twice,in moment and in retrospection....We write to be able to transcend our life , to reach beyond it..to teach ourselves to speak with others, to record the journey into the labyrinth...to expand our world, when we feel strangled, constricted,lonely... When I don't write I feel my world shrinking .I feel I lose my fire, my color.�
--Anais Nin

�The moment one gives close attention to anything, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself.�
--Henry Miller

�As you sincerely go for deeper levels of love, the results you'll have in well-being and increased quality of life will motivate you, leading you to a wider dimensional awareness. The results are so rewarding you can easily develop a passion for self-management.�
--Sara Paddison

�To see, to hear, means nothing. To recognize (or not to recognize) means everything. Between what I do recognize and what I do not recognize there stands myself. And what I do not recognize I shall continue not to recognize.�
--Andre Breton

�The man who is aware of himself is henceforward independent; and he is never bored, and life is only too short, and he is steeped through and through with a profound yet temperate happiness.�
--Virginia Woolf

"Knowing others is wisdom, knowing yourself is enlightenment."
--Lao Tzu

I started this journal last year as a way to get back in touch with myself, to become aware and enlightened, to be true. Sometimes I drift hear and there but by keeping this record of being alive I have a path of personal insight into myself for which only I can truly understand.

The the ambivalent Indo-European deity Janus symbolizes beginnings and endings, and is represented with a double-faced head, each looking in opposite directions. Janus was the doorkeeper on all lifes journeys and held the keys between them. I keep these journals as a two headed beast, one online and one handwritten. These two faces act as the key to the third face.

PUBLIUS

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