2004-07-19 - a.m.

I recorded something on television last night for Gina. I wanted to tell her about it but she just did her usual anti social to me behaviour. Georgina never answered me and took it personally when I asked why she has been and is being so hostile and rude. She is way too defensive!!! She refuses to communicate with me and has been hostile most of the time for the last half year. She refuses to open up and if I try she verbally assaults me. For years she has done this at times as if she wanted me to get angry at her and react back at her. I refuse to do so and will not do so. She thinks I am being this controlling jerk when all I wanna do is simply talk to her in an honest caring conversation?? The past two years have been difficult for both of us. We have taken care of our ailing families and her grandfather and my father both do not have long to live. Our worlds have been radically changed but we where their for one another. She has taken herself out of the picture and decided to be as hostile as possible. I love her and support her 100%, and do not say any of these with a negative way but as an honest manner.

I meanwhile have had a mental collapse I know that and do not know how to come out of it. She has had major personal problems as well but refuses to be open about them. She has put up a barrier to anyone and worst of all to herself and will not deal with things. Her leaving me as she says I say is a show of this.

She told me she hopes I am doing better... well I am friendless and hopeless for the first time since 1988. It is misery and I the only thing I look forward to is this being over with (even if I were to die for that too happen). I will do everything I can to make it through this though. I am putting 100% of everything I have in writing Gina, as that is where my heart and soul are and will always be. Whatever results from these letters so be it.

In other matters I do need to shower as I have not since friday. I smell and feel like oscar the grouch, luckily for me I have a better dispositian than he does.

I just wish Gina could be honest with me and talk without blowing up and running off. If she would just sit still and be honest and listen and talk to me without wielding an emotional knife at me things would be much easier.

I'll take whatever hits she has to throw at me. I will not budge into being bullied by her into anger and hating her which she seems to be her goal at times. She seems bent on nilism for our relationship and provoking me.

If not I wish she would in a caring, understanding, compassionate way start a new dialogue with me as i hoped she would in my letters to her.

I love her and believe in her and always will.

One last thing I am saddened in how she refers to me, it's as if she doesn't know who I am and it is so obvious as to why.

PUBLIUS