10 December, 2004 - "the Impulse of Passion"

"I have learned through bitter experience the one supreme lesson to conserve my anger, and as heat conserved is transmitted into energy, even so our anger controlled can be transmitted into a power that can move the world."
--Mohandas K. Gandhi

Well I am finally writing deeply and personaly again for the first time in a long while. I hope whomever chances on to this page will take a moment to listen to the audio playing of a short speech made by Martin Luther King Jr., of which you can scroll down and restart and listen to again.

Well, ain�t life a motherfucker sometimes� However coming back to this very journal I write under the pseudonym of Publius, though not bearing my true name, has been a blessing. Though all too often I am far too optimistic, looking pass the disgusting realities of life, seeing just the fantasy world of all that I want too. Honestly though it is just so I will not be broken by the truth. Though from my experiences sometimes it was like shock, it took awhile for everything to sink in when I experienced things of such a horrific magnitude.

My �ex-fianc�e� always shoved my blindness down my throat, much to my dismay. Of course many of the times I ignored her lying to myself that utter faith will get us through this hell. Well now it is she who has lost faith and basically said 'fuck it', while I was at my lowest point after what happened at my employment. I feel for her though and still love her more than ever.

I'm still just realizing what a nightmare I was in at that hellhole, with the racist homophobic greedy pigs that work there. I met the old time racists those who wish slavery should rightfully be reinstituted, and the new closet racists whom hide behind a smile and say everything legally you want to hear but do exactly the opposite. I have heard racist and greedy talk from senators and the damnedest things from the most surprising clientele.

Hearing people in government as well as my bosses talk about how the USA needs to keep rolling back labor laws under our esteemed Emperor George W. Bush. Meanwhile around them people were getting raped with bottled in the back as people ate, cooks jerked off in food, even pissing in food as well, all of which the management would do nothing about. Of course drug dealing was rampant and sexual favors were too, but even more surprising was the race-based pay scales these people used. It has been said this place is the heart of where I live, and I agree in many ways it is. For where I live is a godforsaken city where it�s an actual hell on earth.

Unlike others I spoke out against these disgraceful illegal acts to myself and others. Just as i do to that of what goes on in the world today all around us, for which most dare not open their hearts to see for then they would know they their hearts are numb. It seems as though Alice loves to sleep her life away.

So how can I describe my experiences in this city, that which is my reality? I have seen with my own two eyes people raped, mugged, and murdered. Seen people transport dead bodies, found body parts walking around, as well as a rotting dead corpse (it was never identified, but the fellow was from the autopsy shown to have been murdered). Here the best people you know get raped, beaten, shot, hurt, destroyed, and murdered. Where else would babies be raped? Where else would elderly men and women be raped? Where else do you shoot children in the head and the fuck them? Of course in this city of cold blood, all part of the USA.

Meanwhile every political administration says the police departments are less corrupt, crime is decreasing, education is getting better for our kids, and everything is getting better. Yeah I believe that like I believe a non-white will be President in 2008. The old reason they say that is to stay in office, as they talk through their assholes not with their hearts and minds.

Honestly police corruption is up, as well as anything revolving around politics. I have personally experienced this by ending up on the wrong side of these criminals. So yes crime is up as well as murders and everything else. I am being realistic that this place is truly the asshole of the world, where else would crime increase like gerbils or cockroaches reproducing? The various administrations just play with stats and polls to brainwash my fellow not so good people with the help of the media.

Rabindranath Tagore was wise to say �We read the world wrong and say that it deceives us.� We only need see the world as it is. Our media deceives us, for the very groups whom run them at the top such as Rupert Murdoch�s News Corp. and Newshouse have compromised it. They care not for informing people, nor caring about their fellow man, just money. It�s simply a factory and that is the way journalism is cranked out in America. It is said �Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it�, well the way we learn in America, land of the ignorant that is all to true.

If anyone dares speak out against the status quo maintained ignorance for constructive criticism and to speak the truth of our shared reality they are slandered. To speak out now is to be told your unpatriotic or a traitor. Many people have told me personally even those I have known quite awhile that anyone who doesn�t like it should leave. Well that is the attitude of those whom thought anyone whom did not agree with Jim Crow should leave, forgetting this is our country too.

We are told to fear for terrorism, as we were nuclear weapon attacks at one point in our national history. Yet it we whom created these doomsday weapons. I do not fear nuclear weapons, guns, or terrorism. Terrorist alerts only create more fear, as the things one need be concerned about are not terrorists. Who is responsible for those responsible for the arrest and torture of Ahmed Abu Ali? Our Government is responsible for this terrorism of this American citizen. It is the murdering, the raping, the hatred, and the ignorance in our society that concerns me by people everywhere as well as crimes by our government. If we give into fear then we shall discover the truths spoken long ago by Napoleon who warned �He who fears being conquered is sure of defeat.

I don�t believe in comparing pain and/or other countries, as I know about this one and specific injustices. The point is not what�s going in other countries! What about what�s going on in this one? I don�t need to compare my situation with anyone else to know that actions committed here are a disgrace to all of humanity. Every specific situation and individual is what matters, not any comparisons of stereotypes. Anyone who disagrees is welcome to come stay down here work where I worked, get a personal tour of this city, state and country by yours truly. I believe if we open our minds, our hearts and the love in all of us then and only then can there be change that will lead to the betterment of all mankind. If anyone disagrees with me about anything I have stated hear email me. I would love to debate the state of American society and politics, which I find disgustingly corrupt. If anyone agrees or disagrees with what I have said here then let me know.

Well here I am still�living in this godforsaken place. I can only liken it to being checkmated.
Though I believe there is a way out of hell and if your walking through hell, do keep walking.
I know no matter what happens what hell or heaven I go through it all comes down to me. I have a choice to be at peace with myself and the world despite whatever evil things happen to myself and those I love.
I still have much work to do with myself to truly be at peace but more than ever I know that this year I have done that.

I recall a poem that I take to heart and sometimes think about. It�s called �Only the Nails Remain�:

I will take nails,
long nails
and hammer them into my body.
Very very gently,
very very slowly,
so it will last longer.
I will draw up a precise plan.
I will upholster myself every day
say two square inches for instance.
Then I will set fire to everything.
It will burn for a long time.
It will burn for seven days.
Only the nails will remain,
all welded together and rusty.
So I will remain.
So I will survive everything.
-Slovenian poet Tomaz Salamun

Anyone wishing to know more about this poem can read about the review of the book I found it in, of which it is named for by Clicking here, and if you would like to know more about the author of the poem Click here.

I feel better having written this entry and that is all for now. I always love listing quotes, today I will be starting off with the wise words of the Dalai Lama:

�Responsibility does not only lie with the leaders of our countries or with those who have been appointed or elected to do a particular job. It lies with each of us individually. Peace, for example, starts within each one of us. When we have inner peace, we can be at peace with those around us. When our community is in a state of peace, it can share that peace with neighboring communities, and so on. When we feel love and kindness towards others, it not only makes others feel loved and cared for, but it helps us also to develop inner happiness and peace. And there are ways in which we can consciously work to develop feelings of love and kindness. For some of us, the most effective way to do so is through religious practice. For others it may be non-religious practices. What is important is that we each make a sincere effort to take our responsibility for each other and for the natural environment we live in seriously.�
--HH the Dalai Lama

"Peace is a daily, a weekly, a monthly process, gradually changing opinions, slowly eroding old barriers, quietly building new structures."
--President John Kennedy

"Your sacred space is where you can find yourself again and again."
-�Joseph Campbell

�My desire for knowledge is intermittent, but my desire to bathe my head in atmospheres unknown to my feet is perennial and constant."
--Henry D. Thoreau

�I regard the Poet as a sentinel warning us against the approach of enemies called Bigotry, Lethargy; Intolerance, Ignorance, Inertia, and other members of that brood."
-�Mohandas K. Gandhi

"We all declare for liberty; but in using the same word we do not all mean the same thing. With some the word liberty may mean for each man to do as he pleases with himself, and the product of his labor; while with others, the same word many mean for some men to do as they please with other men, and the product of other men's labor. Here are two, not only different, but incompatible things, called by the same name - liberty. And it follows that each of the things is, by the respective parties, called by two different and incompatible names - liberty and tyranny."
--President Abraham Lincoln

�On the path to the greatest nemesis, two enemies will walk together.�
-- Slade Whitfield

"Life is no life to him that dares not die, And death no death to him that dares not live."
--Sir Henry Newbolt

"The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise."
--Alden Nowlan

�Let us not be satisfied with just giving money. Money is not enough, money can be got, but they need your hearts to love them. So, spread your love everywhere you go.�
-�Mother Teresa

�You know quite well, deep within you, that there is only a single magic, a single power, a single salvation...and that is called loving. Well, then, love your suffering. Do not resist it, do not flee from it. It is your aversion that hurts, nothing else.�
--Hermann Hesse

�The great teachings unanimously emphasize that all the peace, wisdom, and joy in the universe are already within us; we don't have to gain, develop, or attain them. We're like a child standing in a beautiful park with his eyes shut tight. We don't need to imagine trees, flowers, deer, birds, and sky; we merely need to open our eyes and realize what is already here, who we really are -- as soon as we quit pretending we're small or unholy.�
�-Anonymous

"All human wisdom is summed up in two words - wait and hope"
--Alexandre Dumas P�re

"People underestimate their capacity for change. There is never a right time to do a difficult thing. A leader's job is to help people have vision of their potential."
--Anonymous

"The truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end; there it is."
-�Winston Churchill

�The secret of success is consistency of purpose."
--Benjamin Disraeli

�I have learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances.�
--Martha Washington

�People usually consider walking on water or in thin air a miracle. But I think the real miracle is not to walk either on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth. Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don't even recognize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child -- our own two eyes. All is a miracle.�
--Thich Nhat Hanh

"The remarkable thing is that we really love our neighbor as ourselves: we do unto others as we do unto ourselves. We hate others when we hate ourselves. We are tolerant toward others when we tolerate ourselves. We forgive others when we forgive ourselves. We are prone to sacrifice others when we are ready to sacrifice ourselves."
--Eric Hoffer

"Not as man sees does God see, because man sees the appearance but the LORD looks into the heart"
--1 Sam 16:7

�You just need to be a flea against injustice. Enough committed fleas biting strategically can make even the biggest dog uncomfortable and transform even the biggest nation.�
--Marian Wright Edelman