15 December, 2004 - "High & Low"

�A woman stood in silence as she watched a gunman walk up to her boyfriend's car, fire a single shot into the driver's side window and then stroll over to the passenger side and shoot him again as he attempted to crawl to safety.�

I had not realized it till suddenly I received a message from a friend and former co-worker via an instant message online. Someone I used to work with, a friend of mine was murdered, shot to death in his car. He was just 26 years old.

I feel like in some ways I just took few bullets too, but these went into my soul. We both shared much with one another, such as his thoughts, his dreams, about history, culture, society, racism, love, and many other things. Many of these things he didn't convey to others. He was �black� and I am �white�, which was one thing that divided us in some ways. Not racially in any way at all, but just that we both had entirely different cliques and came from completely opposite backgrounds. He did find talking to me at times to be easy and not put on his usual lively self. Then he just let his guard down and was so calm and honest, just pure.

Part of what bugs me is something I can't write about here, but will just say there is so much hidden racism in our society. I saw it firsthand, including so much with how it affected his life.

He had dreames for his children and fianc�e. To be able to get out of his current lifestyle, to reach for something more. He did have his problems and was guilty for the paths he chose that were sadly dead wrong. Though I knew and was fortunate enough to be one of the few who knew about his desire to rise above. I knew his hopes, dreams and aspirations, not just the bullshit sports most guys talk about. I wasn�t his closest friend, and nor did we talk often. But we did at times share real deep quality time that I won�t forget. Sadly he was not able to escape the violent part of society and the violent culture we live in today.

But I was one solid voice in his life that wasn't like the others. I am thankful that I was and that I was the best friend I could be for him. Just yesterday, before I found that he had been murdered, I wanted to tell him of a job lead I had that he might be interested in as well. Something that would have really meant much to him. I also wanted to get in touch with him on going to a NBA game, thinking about him again for the past week about that. I had not talked or seen him early summer time.

He's another friend of mine eaten up and destroyed by our society in many ways. All I can do is take him into my heart and let him inspire me to resist the darkness and to be the one who makes it out of this place. This truly has upset me, I so wanted him too beat it out this dump. I recall after a friend died at the age of 23 several years ago, one holding back tears said �who�s next?�. Well it was my good friend whom I stood next too actually who died just a couple of years ago. Yeah, here you can only say who�s next? For it is true the quote that �The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.� Especially when those whom we love and care for die so young needlessly.

I know this year almost over with, but it seems like it has been much longer than just one year in some ways and much shorter in others. So much change has taken place is possibly the only reason why I feel that way. It started with me battling racism and the worst elements of society both those both up high, the rich and powerful. As well those of down low, truly caught between high and low, heaven and hell. I lost my home, dear friends, the one person I loved more than any other my fianc�e and I also lost myself. I know this year is almost over with, whatever else it has in store for me, so be it. I have found myself and I�m ready for whatever may come...still this is a city stinks of utter death. It does so because we as a people attribute our problems to anything but ourselves and taking responsibility for our actions.

I feel so damn tired...

Here some closing quotes:

�We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.�
�Martin Luther King, Jr.

�Once we realize that imperfect understanding is the human condition, there is no shame in being wrong, only in failing to correct our mistakes.�
--George Soros

�Our greatest glory consists not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.�
--Confucius

�Some are able to release grief far more quickly than others. However long it takes, it is always the re-connection with the power of the heart that moves you past grief. When the heart is enlivened again, it feels like the sun coming out after a week of rainy days. There is hope in the heart that chases the clouds away. Hope is a higher heart frequency and as you begin to reconnect with your heart, hope is waiting to show you new possibilities and arrest the downward spiral of grief and loneliness. It becomes a matter of how soon you want the sun to shine. Listening to the still, small voice in your heart will make hope into a reality.�
--Sara Paddison

�No one's death comes to pass without making some impression, and those close to the deceased inherit part of the liberated soul and become richer in their humanness.�
--Hermann Broch

�Our friends should be companions who inspire us, who help us rise to our best.�
--Joseph B. Wirthlin

�Each of us inevitable; Each of us limitless - each of us with his or her right upon the earth; Each of us allowed the eternal purports of the earth; Each of us here as divinely as any is here.�
--Walt Whitman

�You may forget the one with whom you have laughed, but never the one with whom you have wept.�
�Kilal Gibran

�Domestic and social violence usually starts off with a few angry words and a few hurt feelings that don't get resolved, then escalates into feelings of betrayal, rage and revenge. Inner feelings of rage soon spill over into all aspects of society. Social stress multiplies daily with every new report of political upheaval, child abuse, drug abuse, workplace violence, children bringing guns to school, homelessness, ethnic wars or some other crisis. The root cause of a lot of these social stresses is the inner violence created by dysfunctional communication between the heart and the mind. As social stress increases, we're faced with a choice: Retreat into fear and isolation, become angry and bitter, try to ignore it all, or take responsibility for our own stress reactions.�
--Doc Childre

�Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.�
-- Salvor Hardin

"I felt like destroying something beautiful."
--From the film FIGHT CLUB

"Thou shalt not kill."
--the Ten Commandments

�It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.�
--Jiddu Krishnamurti

�Many people are afraid to forgive because they feel they must remember the wrong or they will not learn from it. The opposite is true. Through forgiveness, the wrong is released from its emotional stranglehold on us so that we can learn from it. Through the power and intelligence of the heart, the release of forgiveness brings expanded intelligence to work with the situation more effectively.�
--David McArthur & Bruce McArthur

�The purpose of human life is to serve and show compassion and the will to help others.�
--Albert Schweitzer

�I've met God across his long walnut desk with his diplomas hanging on the wall behind him, and God asks me, "Why?" Why did I cause so much pain? Didn't I realize that each of us is a sacred, unique snowflake of special unique specialness? Can't I see how we're all manifestations of love? I look at God behind his desk, taking notes on a pad, but God's got this all wrong. We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens. And God says, "No, that's not right." Yeah. Well. Whatever. You can't teach God anything.�
�From the film Fight Club

�When things are bad, we take comfort in the thought that they could always be worse. And when they are, we find hope in the thought that things are so bad that they have to get better.�
--Malcolm Forbes

�When you make a mistake, don't look back at it long. Take the reason of the thing into your mind, and then look forward. Mistakes are lessons of wisdom. The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power.�
--Phyllis Bottome

�Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.�
--Michael Jordan

"Life has no smooth road for any of us; and in the bracing atmosphere of a high aim the very roughness stimulates the climber to steadier steps, till the legend, "over steep ways to the stars," fulfills itself."
--W.C. Doane

�The future is not a result of choices among alternative paths offered by the present, but a place that is created--created first in the mind and will, created next in activity. The future is not some place we are going to, but one we are creating. The paths are not to be found, but made, and the activity of making them, changes both the maker and the destination.�
--John Schaar

"Energy and persistence conquer all things."
--Benjamin Franklin

"Defeat is simply a signal to press onward."
--Helen Keller

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections, but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew."
--Saint Francis de Sales

�If you ever get a second chance in life for something, you've got to go all the way.�
�Lance Armstrong

�Wherever you go, go with all your heart.�
--Confucius