11 June, 2005 - "Idiot!"

"Don�t let us forget that the causes of human actions are usually immeasurably more complex and varied than our subsequent explanations of them."
-- Fyodor Dostoyevsky, the Idiot

"It was very late, but Ivan was still awake and reflecting. He sat up late that night, till two o'clock. But we will not give an account of his thoughts, and this is not the place to look into that soul -- its turn will come."
-- Fyodor Dostoyevsky

G and I have been talking. To which G though? The one with all the love in the entire world? Or the one with all the bitterness, anger, seething hatred and utter contempt for everything... a nilist?

I am not saying though I get a feeling it�s a bit of all. Then again I am not sure since I have not been able to see her and confront her. She certainly has confronted me and certainly in the most violent way to get my attention in whatever our relationship is.. I am still devoted to her and love with all my heart body and soul. Yeah LYWAMHBASF. I do sincerely and give my best. G needs to do what G needs to do and I will not even ask her to be with me. That is something she comes to want of her own free will and mind. If not so be it whatever she wants. Yes no matter what it is and I will not place judgment on her actions as well as herself.

I will confront her though and speak with my heart, my soul and reach down with all my ability to show her who I am exactly. She always was hurt when I judged her but now she has judged me and even when she sees that I do says too LITTLE to LATE. Well I am alive in the here and now being true and it�s your judgment call. All I know about is the present for the future and past are something fictional we create in our own minds. While I do not believe in and eye for and eye and two wrongs making a write I do my best to understand you G. It�s amazing we do not speak about tough subject because it seems certain they end in hang-ups by guess who? I had my fair share of horrific behavior in our relationship. But you always told me about being true.

Well now I actually did it and walked the path of truth for which I so passionately spoke of, yet hypocritically didn't go forward with fully. Being true to myself and I feel alright and whatever happens will just have to happen because the writing of this life belongs to me. If you G want to be apart of it I welcome you to write along with me. If not so be it, yet I will stay faithful to you always, true to my final breath. I will also add that I will do so with happiness. I get Satyagraha now and I get that "Taking a new step, uttering a new word is what people fear most." Marianne Williamson, your words ring true to me, �We can't be instruments of peace if we ourselves are full of emotional violence.�

RIP!

"At such times I felt something was drawing me away, and I kept fancying that if I walked straight on, far, far away and reached that line where the sky and earth meet, there I should find the key to the mystery, there I should see a new life a thousand times richer and more turbulent than ours."
-- Fyodor Dostoyevsky, the Idiot

"Listen--I know it is best not to speak! It is best simply to give a good example--simply to begin the work. I have done this-- I have begun, and--and--oh! Can anyone be unhappy, really? Oh! What does grief matter--what does misfortune matter, if one knows how to be happy? Do you know, I cannot understand how anyone can pass by a green tree, and not feel happy only to look at it! How anyone can talk to a man and not feel happy in loving him! Oh, it is my own fault that I cannot express myself well enough! But there are lovely things at every step I take--things which even the most miserable man must recognize as beautiful. Look at a little child--look at God's day-dawn--look at the grass growing-- look at the eyes that love you, as they gaze back into your eyes!"
-- Fyodor Dostoyevsky from the Idiot

"Certainly we shall all rise again, certainly we shall see each other and shall tell each other with joy and gladness all that has happened!" Alyosha answered, half laughing, half enthusiastic. Ah, how splendid it will be!" broke from Kolya."
--Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov

And now, the end is near
And so I face the final curtain
Hahaha!
You cunt, I'm not a queer
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain
I've lived a life that's full
And each and every highway
And yet, much more than this
I did it my way�

Regrets. I've had a few
But then again, too few to mention.
But dig, what I have to do
I'll see it through and through with devotion
Of that, take care and just
Be careful along the highway
And more, much more than this
I did it my way!!!

There were times,
I�m sure YOU KNEW
When there was but, but
Fucking else to do!
But through it all,
When there was doubt
*I* shucked it up or kicked it out
I FACED the WALL, and the FALL
And did it my way!

Knocked out in bed last night
I�ve had my fill, ughh, my share of looting
And now, the TEARS subside
I find it all so amusing
To think, I KILLED a cat!
And may I say, oh no, NOT THEIR WAY
But no, oh no, not me?
I did it my way!

For what is a brat?
What has he got?
When he finds out, that he cannot!
SAY THE THINGS HE TRULY FEELS!!!!!
But only the words,
Not what he feels!!!
The record shows,
I�ve got no clothes!!!!
And did it my way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"You think you know, but you don't know and you never will!"
-- Jim Mora

LAMF!!!!

PUBLIUS